Pizza Dough Family of Five

Evie with her pizza dough family.

We like to make our own pizza. So when I make pizza dough I always make extra so the kids can have some dough to play with while I work on the rest of the pizza ingredients. They usually roll it out and cut it into shapes. Then I bake it and they get to eat a shaped bread stick with their pizza. Last Saturday was pizza night, and Evie cut her dough into pizza-bread men. She made five - one for each of us. Five! We're planning to be a family of five in November. Evie was so sweet to make one for the baby in Mommy's tummy. I'm 15 weeks pregnant and due November 1st. I've had a couple sonograms and have also heard the baby's heartbeat twice with the doppler. There's a little life growing inside of me!

One of the most evident effects the loss of Baby Joy has had on this pregnancy is that I've had a lot of anxiety about telling people I'm pregnant. Usually I'm dying to tell people and can't hold it in, but I just haven't wanted to tell anyone. Not even our kids. But now I'm out of my first trimester and have quite a baby bump, so there's no way around it. I'm pregnant! I've found the more I spread the news the easier it gets. I guess I thought people would respond with a look of insanity along with "Really? You're really going to do this again?" But instead I've been met with genuine joy and excitement by those I've told, and every time I'm completely stunned by it. Maybe in my anxieties I'm the one who's forgotten the joy and blessing of this life that's being knit together inside of me.

We told the kids our news when I was 12 weeks, right after my second sonogram. I expected them to be very excited because Nate has been asking and praying for a baby for months. We took them out for ice cream, and when they were finished we showed them the sonogram pictures and told them about their new baby brother or sister. Evie let out a big "Yay!" But Nate wasn't excited. He immediately began asking questions about Baby Joy. What if this baby gets sick too? How do we know it's healthy? He couldn't be excited. He needed time.

Nate really took Joy's death hard. It wasn't the first time he'd been exposed to death. He was eight months old when my mom died, and that loss has been part of his life. He asks me often if I'm sad my mommy died and if I miss my mommy. But his little heart just couldn't understand our baby dying. HIS baby dying. For months he asked questions about why she had to die. How did she get sick? Am I going to die? Are you going to die? Every time he began this series of questions I told him I didn't know all the answers, but every time I also told him what I do know.  I went back to the very beginning and told the story about how Adam and Eve sinned, and because of their sin sickness and death came into the world. We live in a broken world, and we are broken. I told about how Jesus came to heal the world, and how we need Him to rescue us. That one day there will be no more sickness and death.

Nate kept asking questions for a while after we told him about the new baby - a lot of questions that a four year old should not have to ask. But he needs answers before he can move on and be excited about this baby. I can't blame him, but I pray that as he processes all of these things God is speaking deeply into his heart about who He is. I do think Nate is finally warming up to the idea of another baby. I still sense his hesitation when we talk about it, but he's told a few people that there's a baby in my tummy, and that's a big step.

So, please pray for us. Pray that this baby would be healthy. Pray that our hearts would be filled with joy when we think about the little life that is about to join our family. Pray that as I approach weeks 16-18 of this pregnancy I would walk without fear, but find great joy in knowing how our sweet baby looks at that stage and imagining how beautifully he/she's growing.

 Nate was just as proud of his pizza dough shapes.